


Flutter

by ismellitblue



Category: Doom Patrol (TV)
Genre: Comfort, Depression, F/M, Gen, Homophobia, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23649487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ismellitblue/pseuds/ismellitblue
Summary: Larry still meets the Negative Spirit, he just doesn't crash land--this makes things a little less bad.
Relationships: John Bowers/Larry Trainor, Keeg Bovo & Larry Trainor, Larry Trainor/Sheryl Trainor, Niles Caulder & Larry Trainor
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Doom Patrol.

A week after he almost crashes the X-15 Larry is stuck in hospital.His superiors come in and ask question after question.Doctors run test after test,until he’s certain they’re going to suck all the fluids out of him.

“Can I leave now?”He asks every morning and each time he gets a negative response.

In the beginning of the second week, everyone Larry included,finally gets an answer as to why the country’s best pilot passed out mid flight, and it’s not a good one.

Leukaemia.

At first,the word doesn’t really register for Larry.Cancer means sickly,too pale people,constantly fighting off pain-none of those things apply to Larry,so the diagnosis must be wrong.He asks for a retest,and the doctors comply-and when they come back,they throw the same word back at him.This time it’s accompanied by another,equally devastating word.

_Chemotherapy._

***

His treatment starts almost immediately after his second test results come back.Sheryl comes to visit him once a week.

“The kids need me”She can’t quite hide the relief in her voice when she says it,and Larry doesn’t blame her.He tells the nurses the same when they quiz him,and they still continue asking, but at least the suspicion is gone from their eyes.

 _Nothing strange here.Move along._ He wants to say each time they ask,but instead he bites his tongue and tries for a smile.

“It’s a good thing your friend is here to help though”At the mention of John(his one constant throughout the whole thing),he fights to keep the panic from his face.

“No one is going to think it’s strange for your friend to look after you”John’d said the one time Larry had mentioned it.It’s true,but he still worries.

But worry’s all he’s ever done, so that’s nothing new.


	2. Chapter 2

When his first cycle of chemo ends,there’s no change,not on him physically and not on the cancerous cells adorning his insides.His doctors murmur quietly to themselves ,not quite able to hide their shock.There are more tests after that,and Larry gets the feeling they’re looking for something other than the abnormal cancer growths.

… _It scares him_ ,in those moments it’s like they’ve forgotten he’s human.One man(a Dr Forsythe) had even suggested they cut Larry open,take a look at his insides and see if they’d find anything.The others had actually been nodding along when Larry-who was still in the room,had voiced his protest.Not a single one of them had looked ashamed,if anything they were angry that he was against being butchered.

Not long after that,they start him on a new round of chemo,using stronger meds…it is also the first time Larry dreams since he’s been inn hospital.

***

At first,he forgets the dreams as soon as he wakes up.But as the days pass,they start taking form,until one day he’s ten years old again,running around in the backyard of his childhood home.

Storm clouds gather in the distance and he stops playing,pausing to watch as lightning dances across the darkening skies.

A phantom breeze moves across the dead leaves,and for a second they cover him completely.When they fall back down,Larry is no longer in the body of his ten year old self,he is a fully grown man watching the incoming storm.

There is a loud crack and the old pine trees at the edge of the property turn to ashes.The lightning looms closer,falling across the earth like giant pillars.It’s the stuff nightmares are made of,but strangely enough Larry isn’t scared.

There’s one final crack,and a flash of blinding light.

The sky above clears,but Larry barely notices that.All his attention is on the wisps of lightning slowly pulling themselves together in front of him.There is something off about its shade of blue… _too bright,too sparkly and eerily familiar_.

The lightning floats upwards,enveloping him the way the leaves had.It feels like ice,but the tendrils burn like fire,and when Larry takes a breath,ozone drifts down to his lungs,seeping into his veins and replacing the blood.

Once it’s taken over every part of him,the lightning detaches and Larry can only watch as it converges and morphs until he’s staring at a humanoid form.

 _I know you_.He thinks, and the being in front of him nods,hearing his thoughts.

It holds out a hand,both a question and an invitation, and Larry stares for a bit,considering.In the end he just shrugs,and slips his hand into the being’s waiting one…and his world is consumed by light.

***

The light fades abruptly from Larry’s vision,and when he blinks the spots out of his eyes,he realizes he’s back in his hospital room.His head itches,and he reaches up to scratch it absentmindedly.

His hand comes back with a clump of hair,and when he twists to get a better look, tufts of hair fall around him like dandelions.

***

The doctors tell him it’s the chemo.

A delayed reaction.

They say it with such disappointed faces,like they were waiting to prove he wasn’t human so that they could cut into him freely.It’s probably nothing,but Larry decides then and there to keep the strange dream to himself-the thought of sharing how when his hair had been falling around him,his chest had been alight is buried somewhere next to the fact that he prefers men.

He says nothing to John,too focused on making sure no one sees anything wrong with the other being there,and when Cheryl comes for her weekly hour of awkward silence,he sees no reason to tell her either.

A week after his hair falls off,his nails follow.He spends his waking moments staring at his nail-less hands,unlike his bald head,he can’t ignore them-they’re right there-all the time.

“It’s not so bad Larry-they’ll grow back,even your hair will come back”

“To me you still look fantastic”He doesn’t even bother to try and admonish John.Too focused on his own thoughts.

***

One morning Larry awakens to his skin peeling off,the same way a sausage in oil hardens and the skin flakes off,leaving raw meat behind.Only he’s still very much alive,and it feels like swimming in larva.

He burns for two days straight,never once having the mercy of being unconscious-in too much pain to even scream.They stop his treatment,but the damage has already been done, and Larry’s too scared to tell them that the radiation sessions had actually soothed him.

***

“Dreadful place isn’t it,”Larry’s never seen the doctor in the wheelchair before.But his tag reads Dr Caulder.The man catches Larry’s gaze, and smiles thumbing the tag.

“Not that kind of doctor, I’m more of a…chemist, and I dally in engineering,”He gives Larry an impish grin, and after weeks of nothing but sadness, Larry’s shocked that he wants to return it-he doesn’t.

“I’m not here on official capacity,I’ve just been hearing a lot about your case and I wanted to know how you’re holding up,”It’s the first time a member of the staff has treated him like a human being,and he’s shocked to feel his eyes sting-his tear ducts had collapsed when his skin had fallen off,so his version of crying is now blinking rapidly.

“I’m doing as well as can be expected,”He rasps and the man gives him an understanding look,his fist tapping lightly at the wheels of his chair.

They talk for a little while, and when the man-call me Niles- asks Larry if he’s been having nightmares or strange dreams, it’s on the tip of his tongue to tell him the truth, but Larry catches something in the man’s eyes.His face remains genial,but Larry has seen the hungry look in his eyes too many times to dismiss it.

It’s the look old men in seedy gay bars give to the young kids testing the waters right before they snatch them up.Even as a relative newbie to the underground scene,Larry had instinctively known to stay away from them,such men liked playing games until their toys broke and they cast them aside.Niles’ look does not have a sexual quality to it, but Larry still recognizes the snake coiled beneath the surface.

Instinct tells him to shut his mouth-but years of lying about his very soul keep his mouth moving.He admits to nightmares,the whole staff knows about those-so he tells the man he dreams of crashing, blue entities not once being mentioned.Something dims in Niles’ eyes then,but Larry can still see his fangs, so he feigns sleep for a few minutes,waiting until the man leaves to grasp the ball of light in his chest.

***

Four months since his nightmare began,the doctors tell him he has six months to live.They also strongly hint at how he’ll be a ‘ _hero’_ if he decides to donate his body to science.

Larry declines.

That same day,Sheryl comes to visit…

“I want a divorce Larry,”It speaks volumes about the deterioration of their marriage that both of them let out relieved sighs once she’s said the words.Still,Larry wants to protest-to keep up the façade-but he stops himself.

Six months,the doctors had said, so for the first time in his life Larry has a choice.Carry on the lie he’s been living most of his life, or die being a little less selfish.

He looks over at Sheryl,her eyes full of tears,ready for him to refuse and it makes his decision easier.

“Alright,”He whispers and she cries by his bedside-too scared of hurting him to hug him.

***

Knowing you’re dying brings a sort of clarity.It’s easier to face what a monster he’s become now that he knows the end is near.

It’s part of the reason he decides to set John free as well.

John is his everything, but as much as the man means to him,Larry knows he’s become dead weight to him.John deserves someone not afraid to hold his hand in public,someone who’ll dance with him at the gay bars, who won’t mind kissing him in such places.But no matter where they are,Larry’s in too deep to love John the way he deserves.

It… _hurts_.

Telling John to go is like a physical blow.It sears right through Larry’s chest, a hot poker being ran through his heart.

But he still does it.

***

“Captain Trainor,staying in hospital would be best for you-we’ll be able to make sure your end is comfortable,”Larry is vaguely aware of Forsythe prattling on as he signs himself out,but he doesn’t really care.

He pulls on his long coat with difficulty-where there used to be skin,is now a giant scar,making him sensitive to everything.Face covered with thick glasses and a scarf,Larry grabs his hat and makes his way out the hospital without bothering to reply Forsythe.

He only has a few seconds to enjoy the none sterile air before he’s rushing to his pickup, narrowly avoiding getting drenched by a sudden storm.

***

Life as a newly divorced, honorably discharged, dying man was strangely freeing.His first month,Larry just drives,garnering a more than a few strange looks each time he stops .

He still dreams-his spirit companion walking with him through his memories.Some of them good, most of them bad.At night, with no one around Larry cradles warm blue light in his hands.


End file.
